Quite a number of times I’ve heard women complain about how overbearing their husbands are when it comes to sex. Some have even given up on that aspect of their lives and relationships. I was once there! I woke up at 4am in the morning, left for work at 5am after ensuring everything was set for my husband and children, came back between 10pm and 1am to cook and also take care of the house for the next day so sex was the least of my problems. After a while I knew I couldn’t continue seeing it as a personal problem but something that needs to be addressed so that my marriage can be better. I then turned to God to help me balance it all.
The first thing God did for me was change my mindset so that I can take charge of my sexuality well. He did it by making a way for me to come across a book, Power of a Praying Wife. Before I read that book I always felt my husband was unfair but by the time I did I realised that sex is one of the dividends of marriage and that both men and women need to be satisfied sexually. Sex was and is not a man issue alone. I also came to the understanding that my body is no longer mine alone since the day I agreed to be married.
With this new understanding I decided to see what I hitherto saw as a challenge as something that will help me get better so that I can make the best out of my marriage. Here are some of the tips that helped me:
- I’ll say the first thing that needs to be gotten right is communication. It can never be over emphasised at all. You need to ensure that you understand each other at every point in time. Don’t guess or sweep issues under the carpet. Ensure all issues are properly trashed.
- Physical fatigue can be managed, not only so you can have sex but for you to better enjoy life. It takes a while to understand this but to have a good sexual relationship this needs to be understood by both parties. After every day’s job what I did was put myself in a good mood. I did this by:
- Resting for some time. Before doing this you might have to put the children away so they don’t disturb your rest
- Take a warm bath
- Put on a sexy lingerie that will make you feel good with your body
- Use a body spray or perfume that will make you feel better
- Use a room spray if you have one or put on some relaxing music. A candle lit environment too can help.
By the time you do the above you will start feeling in the mood for a romantic evening and your
husband will definitely get the message. It’s very likely you won’t even have to talk to get him started.
- If you’re very sensitive to smell it will be good you find very subtle ways to ensure you make your husbanr also take a bath. An easy way out is to suggest that you bath together. It’s likely love making will start from the bathroom if that’s the way you go about it.
- Sometimes you also need to discover yourselfas a woman. Know your body; be aware of your erogenous zones. If you don’t know you’ll also add to the problem because your man will keep trying to satisfy you and after a while he will just get used to having his way, especially when he needs to relieve himself.
Major erogenous zones for women are the clitoris, vagina, mouth/lips, nape of the neck, breasts, nipples, inner thigh, back of neck, ear and lower back. It could be some other place for you but I bet you will be turned on if any of the above areas is properly caressed.
The clitoris tops the erogenous zones for most women. One thing we also need to consider as women is that for some of us our clitoris have been mutilated in the name of female circumcision. Do you know where you stand with regard to this? Even if you were circumcised all hope isn’t lost, you can still enjoy sex. You only need to ensure your husband is aware so he can considerate to do all that will be required to help you achieve orgasm. - During lovemaking lead your husband to your erogenous zones. If those areas are properly caressed or touched during sex it will increase your chances of reaching orgasm. Most men enjoy sex better when their partners also enjoy sex so I’m sure he’ll be willing to do the things that will give you pleasure.
I know some people are ignorant of where their erogenous zones are. I’ll say one way to know these zones is to try it out one after the other. It’s not same for all women and sometimes not same every time of the month. - Always be ready for plenty of adventure, learning and unlearning. The major goal is to ensure that each of you don’t remain the same. He needs to leave you wanting more and you need to leave him satisfied and wanting more again and again. Don’t be scared to be as adventurous as you can be in bed. It’s your bed, your bedroom and its your husband you’re setting out to sat if. Don’t also always rush sex, except you’re so sure you know yourself and what it takes to satisfy your partner.
- As part of knowing yourself you need to know your husband. How regularly does he request for sex? Is it every 2 days, 3 days or ince a weekly? Is that his normal pace or did he reduce it to suit you? Once you get the rhythm you can better manage yourself. Sometimes if he isn’t forthcoming maybe because he knows your might say no, you need to throw in your own joker. Never become too predictable or boring.
- When sex also begins to become a bore you can consciously start to feed on aphrodisiacs. Foods like almond, chilli pepper, honey, carrots, water melon, chocolate, vanilla, etc can help. Also ensure that the family planning option you chose suits you because some alter your hormones in a way that can make sex unbearable.
- Work with the time that suits you best, considering your body and schedule and that of your husband too. The truth is by the time you start enjoying sex any time will be just fine and it won’t even matter whether you’re stressed out or not.
- I’ll like to also add that even when we have believing husbands we need to consider their past and where they have been before they became what you came to know. Quite a number of people (men and women) who have had sexual relations with many other people before they surrendered to God really want to do it right in marriage but somehow find themselves with boring spouses. This can lure anyone to have extra-marital affairs. You don’t want to do that to your spouse, even though it’s not an excuse for infidelity. I’m also not saying you need to become a horror do something wrong to make him happy but the least you can do is make your bedroom a place of succour, comfort and ecstasy.
When your husband sees all the work you put in to ensure you both have an exciting sexual relationship you’ll see how well he’ll cooperate and look forward to it every time because he won’t even know what you have up your sleeves.
Gbonjubola Sanni Financial Literacy Advocate (with particular interest in women and children) www.ladiesfirstng.com Twitter: @ladiesfirstng Facebook: LadiesFirstNG