It is easier to avoid a fight than stop one after it has started! Once the fight starts, you don’t feel capable of ending the argument with an apology or an act of tenderness. Your natural reaction would have taken control of you. You waste hours feeling furious as opposed to spending great time with the one you love. How often does this happen in your relationships?
You remember those times when you’ve had a heated argument with your partner and are still feeling angry and resentful? You know that if you could only apologize or touch them tenderly, things could get back to normal, but you just can’t relinquish your anger!
Rationally, you know you should take a step towards reconciliation, but why is it that you cannot control your emotions?
* You know that YOU are accountable for your personal happiness, Right?
* You know that your partner doesn’t have the power to get you angry or sad-no one can MAKE you feel any way except Y-O-U!, Right?
* You have a CHOICE about how you react to what your partner does, right?
CLIENT STORY: I want control over my reactions!
Amara used to find it impossible to let go of her anger and communicate with forgiveness to her husband directly after a heated argument. Why? Because once she automatically engaged her reaction of anger by complaining, insulting and blaming, she was no more in a position to choose the way to react. Her emotional response assumed a life of its own!
She was conditioned to unconsciously express feelings of anger-a normal human emotion. When sensations of anger arose in her body, her programming began and she automatically placed responsibility for her anger onto someone. Once Amara began reacting to her feelings of anger by projecting them outwardly, she began a vicious cycle of anger and regret.
I helped Amara with the four easy steps of the SNAP Out Of It NOW! strategy. She learnt how to:
1. Acknowledged that she was having a negative attitude (e.g. when her husband gets home late), and she was unconsciously reacting (complaining and blaming ) to her own negative thought patterns.
2. Fully consider her reactions and their consequences (reaction: she shouts and lashes out at the husband. Consequence: she feels drained and both she and her husband unhappy).
3. Sense the feeling within her body (heat rising in chest) that was provoking the impulse to react with blaming.
4. Breathe with focused intention with the feeling inside. As she breathed, the feeling dissipated and she felt in control of her automatic “angry” reaction.
After 3 sessions, Amara said, “I am no longer controlled by my feelings of anger. As I breathe to the sensation of heat rising in my chest, the sensation dissipates and I am back in charge. I feel better about myself and I actually look forward to seeing my husband when he gets home. I get busy with other activities and I no longer get angry when he gets home late.” Amara began to feel appreciation for her husband rather than only anger and resentment.
Too much stress can bring feelings of anger and resentment. We should strive to remain present with the ones we love-whether they are parents, spouses, children or friends-and to create joy and fullness in our relationships.
Amara discovered exactly how to quiet her mind and ways to manage her feelings. You too can!