We asked several counselors and opinion leaders this question and here is a compilation of what they have to say:
A long time ago, before I got married I overheard a lady lament about her spouse and this is what she said; “I thought we were a match made in heaven, but why am I going through hell?”
Surprisingly, many singles hold to the notion–either consciously or subconsciously–that there is one perfect, preordained partner. They were made for each other, the thinking goes, and they must simply locate this person or forever feel incomplete. This thinking is fueled by many Hollywood/Nollywood love stories in which a man and woman are united after a series of near misses and obstacles. At long last, they gaze deeply into each other’s eyes and embrace, usually amidst the sounds of romantic music playing in the background or probably fireworks exploding overhead. And they know without a doubt that they–the two of them and only the two of them–were meant to be together.
Frankly, I think this idea is more fantasy than reality, more fairytale than real-world wisdom. I don’t believe that you could only be completely and blissfully happy with one person to the exclusion of all others. Before you call me unromantic and cold-hearted (of which I’m not), let me hasten to say this should come as great news to singles looking for a partner. After all, I do hear singles complain about how hard it is to find a suitable partner. And if there is just one individual waiting for you out there in this wide world, the search for each other could take a very long time. If, however, there is not a “one and only” partner, a whole range of possibilities opens up. How did I come to conclude that the whole “soulmate” scenario is a fallacy?
Let’s think about this for a moment. I actually read somewhere that, if there was one special person for everyone alive and there are approximately 6 billion people on the planet at the moment, that means you would have to look at about 3 billion people to find that one special person. On average, you would have to go through about half the potential people to find that one special someone, so we’re down to having everyone spending time considering 1.5 billion people on average. Let’s say we’re being super fast and you met and consider a person once every 5 minutes. Let’s see … (crunching numbers on the calculator) … that would mean that it would take the average person 14,269 years to find a mate. That’s more than twice as long as this world has been around!
The fact is that nothing in the Bible states that God made just one person for you. There are literally thousands of people you could happily live with for the rest of your life. Some might take a bit more work than others, but still happiness is possible.
Not exactly as in X is made from creation for Y. But if you believe in God He will lead you and make a choice for you among his children. If the choice refuses? Go back to God. Marriage is not really that tough but we are rejecting God’s ways. That is the foundation of our problems.
NO! This is because if you are convinced that a particular Mr. A or Miss B is for you and the person does not have plans to marry at all, will you too remain single because this person doesn’t want to marry?
This also answers why a widow or widower can re-marry after the death of a spouse.
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Hmmm, I do not think there is a particular someone for everyone.
In ancient days, people didn’t often choose their own spouse. Mom and Dad made arrangements for a good marriage. And often times those arranged marriages worked because people worked on them. When you get two people together who are dedicated to making a marriage work, no matter what comes their way, that marriage is very likely to be very happy.
The idea that there is one special person for me ruins a lot of marriages. A person falls head over heals with someone, gets married, and are happy for a while. But then something goes wrong, as it is almost bound to do, and there is a big fight. The next thing you know the person is wondering, “Did I make a mistake? Maybe I married the wrong person.” He starts to look around and there is another person whom he likes really well and he doesn’t fight with her! But that is because they aren’t living together yet and haven’t spent a lot of time together. So he divorces his first wife to marry another. Everything is blissful for a while, but eventually it happens again. And again. And again.
You have the privilege of picking the one with whom you wish to make a lifetime covenant. The field is wide with potential partners. So pick someone who shares things in common with you so that you can share life with her. But most importantly, find someone who is as dedicated as you are to making this relationship work, in good times and in bad times. If you are interested in someone, but she isn’t putting much effort into keeping the relationship going, then you don’t have someone worth marrying. If she isn’t that interested now, what will she be like after marriage?
If you love to travel with a particular airline and you probably have booked your flight for a very important meeting in another city but all of a sudden, everyone’s money is refunded because the airline is not travelling to your destination for now. Will you cancel your meeting because of this airline’s internal decision?
Saying it is one particular person for someone means; suspending people’s lives even if someone else makes a wrong marital decision.
While I believe in compatibility, there are basic ingredients that helps marital choice without restricting you to one person. Such ingredients include personal values, belief system and others.
Bose Olaniyi, Family Life Consultant. Tweeter: @bosetiti
Facebook Page: Let’s Talk with Bose.
No, there are people who will make terrific life partners for us. God does not limit us to one person. What if the only person had died before we meet them or chose to marry someone else, does that mean we are doomed to marry another person’s bone? No.
God’s will is someone who loves God with all his heart, is all round compatible with you, is complementary, gives you peace of mind and is heaven-bound. We shouldn’t limit God to ne person once and for all. God has millions of children and he will give us anyone that submits to his leading and is compatible with our past, present and future, God bless.