Overcoming Boredom In Marriage
Boredom is just a message sent to you by your subconscious mind to tell you that there are much more important things to do that what you are doing right now.
Boredom is a feeling. It’s actually you who feels bored based on internal and external factors. It causes us to blame others for our state.
What are the signs of boredom?
- a) Lack of enjoyment
- b) Everyday arguments
- c) Monotonous routines
Before we discuss on how to solve it, let’s look for the causes:
- Both parties being too busy
- Self centeredness
- No communication
- Repeating the same activities for years
Boredom says what I’m doing now isn’t fun. Do you know that as you gain more experience in life and as your knowledge base becomes wider it becomes harder to impress you.
That means sometimes we get bored as a result of growth. You know how a child gets bored with a toy he had two years back, we observe the old toys that excite him again. This means that when we get used to things that we like, we find them uninteresting later on or at least not interesting as they used to be.
Unlike the child’s example, a marriage can’t be replaced like a toy. If we can’t change a situation, then we are challenged to change the way we think about and respond to it.
Sometimes, boredom can result from repressed anger and resentment that hasn’t been acknowledged and expressed. You also need to check yourself for the reason for the boredom. In some cases, people who are bored are often bored with their own lives. Are there unfulfilled dreams that you haven’t tried to realize?
When this scenario plays out when we get bored we typically want to blame it on our spouse. The true reason is because our goals aren’t being actualized and we are doing things that don’t align with our life’s aspiration. Some can also be bored because they hold on to resentment and unforgiveness.
Our spouse isn’t the cause of our boredom and may not be the one to fix the problem. So ask yourself, what is causing your boredom? Are you bored because your life’s experience isn’t rich, Imagine someone stuck with childrearing only, there’s no varied experience, just doing one thing day in day out. Are you bored because you need new experiences?
Once you determine the type of boredom you have to make sure to fix the root cause instead of running after quick fixes. Know the cause first, and then find a solution. If it’s unresolved resentment, going to the movies won’t solve that. Sometimes some personality types may be more prone to get bored, especially the extroverts, sanguine and choleric experience boredom more than others.
The following are solutions to help with boredom:
- Realize that relationships go through stages.
Every relationship has a natural ebb and flow. If you go through a phase of boredom in your relationship, it’s not a big deal.
- Analyze yourself.
Sometimes the very things that originally attracted us to our partner, those wonderful qualities of predictability, stability, solidity, dependability or reliability they bring into our fragmented and tumultuous life with time becomes our greatest irritation. When this occurs those good qualities won’t move you anymore.
- Focus on loving your spouse.
Irrespective of how you feel, focus on loving your spouse, the boredom will eventually go away.
- Developing activities and interests outside the marriage.
Sometimes you may need to develop other interest and activities. You need to be able to have “me” time. Get something to do to have fun, if it means watching a movie or having a good laugh.
- Take advantage of spontaneous opportunities to have fun together.
Sometimes you might invest so much energy into arguing and keeping malice that you are left drained and have no time or energy left for fun
- Plan new adventures together on a regular basis.
While being spontaneous is helpful when possible, you also need to intentionally plan exciting new ways to be together into your schedules to ensure that you don’t have too much time in between adventures. Examples can include bicycle riding together, exercising, baking etc.
- Spice up your sex life.
Sex is such a fundamentally important part of marriage that if the sexual connection between you and your spouse isn’t satisfying, it will affect every other part of your relationship.
- Seek to learn and discuss something new every day.
Be lifelong learners and make a habit of sharing what you learn to each other.
- Put effort into revival
While boredom is a natural part of marriage, you can also work toward making your relationship a bit more exciting. There are seasons of monotony, but there should also be seasons of adventure, awakening love, and rediscovering each other.
- Work towards goals that are greater than yourself.
Think about your marriage with eternity in mind, imagining the type of legacy you hope to leave with your spouse.
I will conclude by saying boredom should never be an excuse for you to cheat on your spouse. I would love to hear your comments and questions.